thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
