I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
