if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
