I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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