I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
