I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
smell my finger.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
