Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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