Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He passed out mid-signature
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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