Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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