You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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