Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Pants are for mortals
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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