he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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