why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
