i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize