I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
