I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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