he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize