I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
