The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
