She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
