I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
