You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
