You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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