if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
