I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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