Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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