I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
