My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
