Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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