she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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