We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize