I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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