I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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