look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
