the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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