Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
