hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
