you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize