just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
