What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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