Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
