Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
