I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
