dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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