Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
