What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
