you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
