Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
