we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
