I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize