ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
