He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
