I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
