i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
