cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
