god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
