i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize