Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Shame - the story of my life.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
