I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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