i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
