she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
